Why Am I Shy Around Girls?

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“I just don’t like hanging out with people. This is just who I am. I enjoy being alone”

These are the BS stories I told myself growing up. And where did it lead me?

It led me to be a virgin at the age of 26 years old, then I got into a toxic relationship with my first girlfriend for two years until she finally broke up with me.

And, I was left with no choice but to turn myself into learning about the art of seduction.

I’ve got to tell you there is no glory in being shy as a man.

You will be missing out on so many opportunities, not just with girls, but with life in general.

I want you to realize this is not some BS lessons I compiled from a bunch of other trash information on the internet.

This is my heartfelt message to you if you are struggling with being shy around girls.

These are the lessons I learned going from a hopeless 28-year-old to attracting more girls than I ever imagined possible.

So, let’s get started.

This is how you became shy around girls 

There are different reasons why you may be shy around girls.

Maybe, you just didn’t have much opportunity to interact with girls growing up.

Maybe, you had a chain of bad experiences with girls as a kid that made you believe you are undesirable to girls.

I remember when I was around 8 years old, I would hang out with my best friend, John, all the time.

Whenever we would talk to girls who were in senior years, they would always comment about how he is so cute and adorable.

On the contrary, I would never once get any compliments from the girls we hung out with.

While I can’t say with certainty how much that affected me, it most likely had a substantial enough impact on my sense of entitlement with girls.

Your early experiences turned you shy

The very first experience you have with someone, usually have the biggest effect on forming your beliefs and personality.

The evidence is all around you.

How many times have you talked to a person who was incredibly stubborn with whatever ridiculous belief he held?

You may have tried to correct him politely, but it is unlikely you managed to change his initial belief.

Why do you think so many people still believe dietary fats are the cause of obesity when new studies clearly say otherwise?

It is because our brain is incredibly resistant to change once the belief has already been established.

These experiences that form your initial beliefs can be as simple as…

You saying hello to a girl and her giving you a disgusted look (because she was in a bad mood after being scolded by her mom).

You show interest to a girl, only to find out she is into Chaddy.

You labeled yourself as being shy around girls

Most of your beliefs you currently hold about yourself stemmed from early childhood when your brain was actively trying to decide how it should “label” your identity.

After a series of awkward interaction with girls, your brain has successfully established your identity as a “shy guy around girls”.

So, you now understand how your beliefs and identities are formed.

But, let’s talk about what exactly is going on in your head when you talk to girls, and why you feel so crippled with shyness around them.

This is why you feel shy around girls

You are simply scared of her judging you.

You think she’s paying all of her attention to that little pimple on your forehead.

“She must be disgusted by me… she must think I’m such an ugly, hideous creature.”

That is the type of voice that is lingering in your head while you talk to girls.

And guess what? When you have strong enough belief – whether it is positive or negative – others will often come to accept whatever judgment you place on yourself.

All those inhibitions that stop you from expressing your true self are rooted in your fear of judgment by others.

You need to re-program those beliefs by replacing your current belief with a new set of beliefs.

But, it is not an easy process to re-wire your brain for the reasons we’ve discussed earlier.

So, how exactly can you accomplish this?

Inner versus outer game to overcome shyness around girls

There are two schools of thought when it comes to this.

One is to change your belief system by working on your inner self.

The idea is to dig deep into your trauma and heal your wounds via introspection. You could say meditation and mindfulness fall into this category as well.

Another approach is to push yourself until you get the necessary experiences needed to re-wire your beliefs.

While I certainly see values in working on your inner self, I have noticed people who make the most rapid transformation – including myself – usually follow the latter approach.

I can tell you to practice positive self-talk, by repeating to yourself, that you deserve to date attractive girls.

But, the faster route would be for you to actually experience dating an attractive girl.

When you gain enough experience to the point it becomes the norm in your reality, you won’t need much “inner-game” for your beliefs to change.

But, here is a caveat: Your inner-game must be sufficiently developed to the point that you are ready to take massive action.

If your brain is operating in that apathetic state where you have no motivation to get off your arse, then everything else is pointless.

Why I decided to stop being a shy virgin around girls

For me, all the inner game I needed to motivate myself was a genuine fear of the future.

I knew I was on the path to misery if I continued to live my life the way I had been living for the past 28 years of my life.

I was genuinely afraid I might get to the age of 40 or 50, and become one of those weird old men, who are lonely and miserable.

I was genuinely afraid I would never learn how to form any sort of meaningful connection with another person for the rest of my life.

That was enough motivation for me to push through my shyness and put myself out there over and over again despite countless rejections.

Many self-help gurus encourage you to stay away from using negative feelings as a source of your motivation.

I have a slightly different stance on that. I want you to use whatever you can – whether it is positive or negative – if it motivates you to better your life.

Your initial motivation does not necessarily have to be your permanent motivation.

As an example, many men start going to the gym because they want to develop a physique that would impress women.

But, most of them end up falling in love with the process and become hooked on the progress they see in themselves.

The same idea applies when it comes to going out and talking to attractive girls.

Your initial motivation may be to find that one beautiful girl who will be your girlfriend.

But, I can almost guarantee you will soon find more fulfillment from seeing yourself transform, as you immerse yourself into this journey of self-improvement.

So far, we have talked about how your beliefs have become established and some of the core reasons why you feel so shy around girls.

Knowing all these can be useful in a sense you become more aware of the trick your brain tries to play with you.

But, it’s time for us to move onto talking about more practical ways in which you can eradicate your shyness once and for all.

Gradual exposure to beat shyness around girls 

Even if you consider yourself to be a shy person, it is unlikely you are shy under all circumstances.

A good example for this is a typical video game nerd, who becomes extremely passionate around other nerds (and I don’t mean it in a derogatory way since I used to be a nerd myself).

He may act shy and reserved around people he is not familiar with, but becomes engaging and charismatic around his friends.

Leverage situational confidence to overcome shyness 

So, I want you to ask this question for yourself.

When does your personality really shine through?

Is it when you are talking to people at anime convention?

Or maybe, it is when you are talking to someone who is as passionate about basketball as you are.

For me, it was the gym.

I loved lifting heavy and talking about any and every lifting related stuff.

So, I naturally made a lot of friends at the gym.

And I developed what you would call situational confidence when I was at the gym.

I was a confident, outgoing person when I was socializing at the gym, although I was still shy and quiet in all other walks of my life.

You may think, what is the point of building your social skill in one area of your life if it does not transfer over to other areas of your life?

Here is my answer to that.

The social skill and confidence you build in one area of your life will, in fact, transfer over to other areas of your life extremely well, once you know how to eliminate some of your mental barriers (which we will talk about in the next section).

So, start out by talking more to people who you are already comfortable with.

Practice being more expressive with them first.

Practice making jokes you usually won’t make.

They already know you, so they will be a lot more lenient toward social errors that you make.

Become social to beat shyness around girls

One of the major problems I see with shy guys, who get into learning about dating, is that they go out and start talking to tens of random girls a day, without having developed basic social skills.

And this is a VERY slow way to develop social skills if you are shy because you would likely get blown out by one girl after another.

What ends up happening is you have a chain of interactions that are all too short-lived, for you to really improve your social skills in a meaningful way.

This is precisely why you want to start with the people who already know you. Because they will actually endure your boring stories and cringey jokes since they already have established a relationship with you.

And with enough practice, you will be able to tell some amazing stories and funny jokes that crack people up eventually.

I have mentioned this before but I’ll mention it again.

Your basic social skills form the foundation of being good with girls.

If you can’t even hold a basic, normal conversation with girls and fail to relate to them on a human level, then all that effort you put into learning different pickup lines are fruitless endeavors.

Start talking to random girls to beat shyness

Once you feel confident in your basic social skills, it is time for you to develop confidence and competence in talking to strangers.

I want you to realize you have more than enough “game” to attract girls at this point. If you are equipped with solid basic social skills, you are already miles ahead of other guys in this day and age.

So, it is just a matter of unleashing what is within you with zero inhibition.

Talk to any strangers to overcome shyness

It is likely way too much pressure for you to start talking to random girls at this point, and that is perfectly fine.

First, start out by talking to any strangers when the opportunity arises. It doesn’t have to be a young, attractive female.

Once you are used to initiating a conversation with strangers (whoever you are comfortable talking to), you can start talking to girls you come across as you go about your day.

It may be a girl sitting beside you in a class.

It may be a girl you see at the gym every day.

It may be a girl you see at the bar or a club.

It is not going to be easy. But, this is the part where you have to remind yourself why you must absolutely change your personality.

Talking to strangers (especially attractive girls) really is one of the best (and one of the scariest) things you can do to improve your confidence.

It requires a significant amount of vulnerability and courage for you to be able to walk up to a stranger and interact with them in an authentic manner.

I have one tip for you to make this process a little easier for yourself.

Go out with a friend on your journey to overcome shyness 

Find a friend who is in a similar position as you, and is as motivated as you are, to improve his personality.

Having a company will make this process a little more bearable.

But, it would be even better if you can go out with a friend who is positive and socially savvy.

That is, by far, the fastest route for you to change your personality.

As some wise man once said, “Show me your friend and I’ll show you your future”.

The people you hang out with will have some of the biggest influence on how your life turns out.

If you spend most of your time hanging out with a person who is charming and charismatic, then you are going to start developing those traits as well.

If you spend most of your time with shy and timid people, then you will stay shy and timid.

So, it is in your best interest to always be on the lookout for cool and positive people.

Bolder actions to eradicate your shyness

Give yourself pat on the back if you have made it this far.

I think it is fair to say you are not a little shy boy at this point.

I would even go as far as saying you are ahead of 99% of men out there, who solely rely on their friends or tinder to meet girls.

So, this section is only for those who are willing to take it one step further, and become a social savage (in a good way, of course…), who can effortlessly connect with others.

Now that you are used to talking to random girls, you want to turn up the difficulty a little.

What I am about to suggest is not for the purpose of attracting girls.

These are to prove to yourself that you can withstand social pressure.

Putting yourself into some of these situations will let your brain know that you no longer deserve the label of a shy guy.

In fact, your brain will re-wire to label you as a fearless and confident guy (If you manage to complete some of these challenges).

So, these are some of the challenges I propose for you…

1. Talk to a group of three girls (or more) and engage them for more than 5 minutes.

2. Start a conversation with a group of men and women. And show your intention (as in hit on her) to the girl in the group.

3. Approach a girl when there are a lot of people around her.

4. Approach that intimidatingly hot girl in the club.

And, I suggest you come up with your own list as well.

As I have already said, you do not want to start out by putting yourself into these high-pressure situations, if your social muscles are not sufficiently developed yet.

But, you can gradually work up to these as you build more confidence over time.

Become less shy by befriending girls

You do not feel comfortable around girls because you are not used to being around them.

Even worse, your brain perceives them as different species compared to men.

This is why it is beneficial for you to become friends with girls (as opposed to viewing a girl as someone who is there to fulfill your sexual desires).

Once you become friends with girls, you will realize they are not that much different than guys.

They have their own insecurities. They have their own flaws. Their breath smells in the morning.

You will realize, deep down, they are just little girls who want to be loved and cared just like you.

It is even better if you can become friends with really attractive girls.

You will get used to being around hot girls, and you will stop putting them on a pedestal.

A lot of shy guys actually do not have much problem carrying a conversation with girls they don’t find attractive.

But, their behaviors completely change in the presence of an attractive girl.

They can’t think of anything to say all of a sudden.

They start worrying about how they look which further stifles them.

Befriending an attractive girl and spending enough time with her will allow you to relax and train you to just be yourself around other attractive girls.

Realize girls feel shy as well

You may wrongly assume you are the only one who feels shy and awkward when talking to a stranger.

A lot of your fear comes from you thinking, these girls are just standing there and judging every one of your words and actions.

But, you need to realize many girls feel just as shy and awkward as you do.

Girls also get in their head and start worrying about if you like them or not.

You are not the only one who feels vulnerable and exposed.

When you realize this, you can shift your thoughts from worrying so much about how you look to thinking about ways you can help the girl feel more comfortable.

The less obsessed you are with yourself, the more capacity you have to look after others.

Next time you are out socializing, try shifting all of your attention to the person that is in front of you.

And, do your best to completely let go of any of your insecurities and fear of judgment by others.

You will be surprised at how less anxious you feel if you do it right.

Anyway, these are about the best advice I can possibly give to cure your shyness.

But, it is your responsibility to go out and take massive action to transform yourself.

I wish you the best of luck!

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