So I wanted to touch on this topic today because this is a very common belief among men that a man has to pay especially on a first date.
It’s possible you may think this belief doesn’t really apply in Western culture but that is not necessarily true from my experience.
I’ve had more than a few occasions where some of my friends complained about not being able to meet a girl because they have no money.
I still remember when I had no experience with women that my Caucasian friend told me you NEED money to meet girls.
I also remember my Asian friend telling me that you can’t get girls unless you pay for them on a date.
So, it’s a belief that’s very prevalent across any race and culture.
And I had once completely bought into this belief as well when I did not have much experience with girls.
I would feel this weird need to pay whenever I’d go out to eat with others.
It was not just limited to girls but I also felt the same urge when I was with my friends.
For instance, after we (my friends and I) were done eating at a restaurant, I would feel like I need to pay for my friend’s food as well.
It probably sounds super weird if you don’t come from an Asian background but I’m sure this doesn’t sound entirely weird if you are familiar with Asian culture at all.
I can think of a couple of reasons why I felt that way If I had to self-diagnose myself.
The first reason is that’s exactly what I saw my mom doing with her friends.
She was always the one paying for every one of her friend’s food because she was most well off in her friend group.
And what happens when you repetitively do something for someone over and over again.
The person may feel gratitude but most people eventually become dull to it and desensitized to what you do and even worse they start expecting you to do it without s second thought.
Your act of generosity becomes expected by others.
That is exactly what happened with my mom.
What started as an act of kindness quickly turned into something that is expected of her and she was always the one paying for her friends.
So, how would that affect you if you see that growing up as a kid?
Have you ever heard saying that kids don’t listen to what parents say but they listen to their behavior?
They see what you do and copy that.
That’s exactly what I did.
Somewhere in my subconscious mind, I came to accept that you should pay for your friend to belong when I was a kid.
Another reason is the fact that I struggled to belong to any group growing up.
I came to Canada when I was around ten years old and could not speak a word of English.
So, I was made fun of and verbally bullied frequently.
When I was growing up, I felt like I could not fully identify myself with any group whether it be cool kids at the lunch table or other Asian kids from the same background.
Obviously, that desire to belong is very strong especially when you are a kid.
So, paying for someone else was my way of expressing that I want to be accepted and loved by others.
Because that is the behavior I saw most frequently from my mom when she was interacting with her friends.
I did manage to completely eradicate that belief from myself and almost went to the other extreme end for a while where I made girls pay for me first every single time at one point (and I’m not exactly proud of that…).
Anyway, so is it really true that you, as a man, must absolutely pay for a date or she will never ever want to see your face again?
The answer is no.
It really is nothing more than a limiting belief that you imposed on yourself from years of social conditioning.
Between me and my friends, we’ve had so many girls that many guys would put on a pedestal and take out for an expensive dinner, come straight back to ours without us having to pay a dime.
Really think about this.
There are some really attractive girls that stay with their boyfriends who physically abuse them, impregnate them, make them get an abortion, and treat them like a piece of trash.
These are girls most guys would daydream about.
Most guys would believe that the only way they can get girls like that is by taking them out to an expensive dinner and treating them like a little princess.
Meanwhile, these girls are being treated like a semen dumpster by their boyfriends.
So, what exactly am I trying to say?
I want you to realize this one simple truth.
There is nothing that is a MUST that you have to do to get a girl to like you.
Are there things that you can do to increase the chance of improving your success with women?
For sure. 100%. And that is what a lot of this channel is about.
But if a dude can beat a girl like a dog and still have her madly in love with him (well I’m not sure if you can call that love but you know what I’m talking about…), then there is absolutely nothing you can do that will ruin your chance.
I know you are probably going to say it’s a different story when a girl has emotionally invested in you already and the beating takes place after but let’s not get too technical.
I simply want you to realize that not paying for a first date is not a big deal in many cases. It is not a deal-breaker.
So, stop feeling like you MUST pay for a girl to get her to like you.
If you are enjoying spending time with her and you simply want to pay for her to show generosity, then I think it’s awesome.
I don’t want you to get caught up with this weird pick up artist mentality that you should never ever spend a dime on a girl until you have sex with her.
Pay for her all you want if you are truly doing it without expecting anything in return.
But if there’s even a slight degree of wanting something in return, then don’t pay.
Because it’s just coming from the wrong place.
When I say expecting something in return, I’m not even talking about just sex.
Maybe, you are subconsciously hoping that paying for her will make her like you a little more.
This is why it’s so important to be honest with yourself and really cultivate that ability to be self-aware of where that urge is coming from.
Most guys can never ever be honest with themselves because they can’t drop their ego.
They feel like they are less of a man when they acknowledge these feelings.
Ironically, they end up becoming the slaves of this emotion even further because of their refusal to be honest with themselves.
The first step to preventing these petty emotions from governing your life is to acknowledge them.
Once you acknowledge their presence, they lose a lot of their power.
It is also a lot about how you pull it off.
When you are on a date with a girl and you make it sound like it’s a big deal then she will feel that, and she may very well resent the fact you are not willing to pay.
On the other hand, if you make it seem as if it’s not a big freaking deal for women to pay, then she will go along with it in most cases.
I remember when I was on a date with this Russian girl and she wanted to meet at this bar that required a little bit of traveling from my place.
When I met her at the bar, I told her, “Are you going to get me drinks for making me travel all the way here?” (with a cheeky smile)
She smiled and stood up to get me drinks.
When we were talking later that night at my place, she told me she liked the fact that I didn’t hesitate to tell her to buy me drinks.
Because most guys she went on a date with rushed into paying for her drinks when they were out on a date.
The fact I was able to ask her to buy drinks showed that I’m very confident and secure in myself… although I only did that because I was just broke as fuck at the time…
To sum it up, please do not pay for anything if it’s coming from a place where you want something from a girl in return.
If you genuinely want to pay because you enjoyed spending time with her then, by all means, go for it.
But just make sure you are brutally honest with yourself.
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