There are good girls out there, and there are bad girls out there who take joy in using men only for their own interest. So, what are the best ways to find out if a girl is using you, or if she genuinely enjoys spending time with you?
These are a couple of key signs you may observe when she is using you. First, everything you guys do together is only on her term. Second, she never cares about your feeling. Third, she makes you pay for everything. Fourth, she is secretive about you. Fifth, she only hangs out with you on certain days. Sixth, she is reluctant to show affection in public, and we will talk about much more in this article.
So, let’s delve deep into each of these points to find out if she really is just using you for her own good.
She is using you when everything is on her term
So, why does this mean that she is using you?
This communicates she is not willing to make any sort of sacrifice for you.
While you never want to sacrifice something that defines who you are at your very core, a healthy relationship is about working as a team.
And when you work as a team, you inevitably come across a situation where you can’t fulfill all of your selfish needs.
You can’t just always eat any and everything you want.
You can’t just hang out at places you want to hang out.
You can’t just meet at the time that is only convenient for you.
You sometimes have to meet somewhere in the middle and find that happy medium.
But, she is not willing to do any of that.
She tells you she is too busy at other times if you suggest an alternate date to meet.
She only wants to eat sushi when you guys hang out because that is the only food she likes although you want to eat something else.
She basically treats you like crap.
Ask yourself this question.
Who do you normally treat like crap (You should obviously treat everyone with respect, but in a hypothetical situation that is…)?
People who are under your control.
People who are powerless.
People you can bully with no repercussion.
When a woman can sense she can do whatever she wants with you and still get away with it, then she will indeed do whatever she wants.
She will no longer respect your opinion, nor you as a person.
The very fact she is refusing to accommodate any of your needs, and is only willing to do everything on her term, is a testament to her using you for her own selfish needs.
So, you really want to carefully observe how she acts when you guys are hanging out.
A woman like this can be very good at manipulating men with words by sweet talking them.
So, you always want to prioritize observing their behaviors over words.
She may tell you that you are her everything.
But, if her action shows that she only ever puts her needs first before you, then you go with her action when making a judgment about her.
If you do believe she is using you, then it is time to confront her.
You do not want to continue this relationship (Whatever form of relationship it may be) when she has no genuine feelings and respect for you.
Even if you drag out this relationship, it is destined to end with a lot of headaches and heartaches, and may possibly leave a permanent scar that will be tough to heal.
It is time for you to set clear boundaries AND communicate those boundaries to her.
Let her know this relationship is over if she continues to try to use you for her own good.
It may be tough if you have developed a strong emotional attachment toward her, but it will be a lot better than being in a relationship that lowers your sense of self-worth.
I made a mistake of letting my ex-girlfriend use me as her emotional tampon, and I just put up with her every time she threw a temper tantrum.
When she calmed down, she would apologize and things seemed to have settled temporarily.
But, I did not realize I was only reinforcing her behaviors by not setting a clear boundary in our relationship.
Near the end of our two-year relationship, she had successfully turned me into a complete beta male, who catered to each and every one of her needs.
When she realized I had no more use, she quickly lost interest and didn’t hesitate one bit to move on with her life.
So, learn from my mistakes and be sure to set your boundaries right from the get-go.
It is infinitely easier that way than to go back and try to fix things that are already broken.
She is using you if she never cares about your feelings
This is another big sign she is using you (Unless she is a psychopath, in which case, she is just being herself).
When we actually like someone, we naturally care about how they feel and what they are thinking.
If she is only obsessed with her own concerns and her own problems, she does not actually care about you.
And why would she stay with someone that she could care less about?
It’s because you have some use in her life.
Maybe, she is temporarily staying at your place, so she doesn’t have to pay rent.
Maybe, she is just feeling lonely, but she is ready to jump to another ship as soon as there is a better option.
Maybe, you buy her drinks and dinners when you guys are out.
Either way, you have enough benefits for her to hang out with you, but she probably wouldn’t even flinch if you were to get into a car accident and die the next day.
Does she only contact you when she needs your help?
Does she ever care to ask how you are doing?
Does she even pay attention to you when you guys are together?
These are some of the questions you want to ask when hanging out with her.
If she shows clear signs of using you, then it is time to let her go.
It does not matter if she is attractive or if your friends think you can’t do any better than her.
It is not worth sacrificing your dignity as a man just to be with an attractive girl.
Start exercising some self-respect, and others will respect you as well.
She is using you if she makes you pay for everything
Another obvious sign of her using you is if she makes you pay for everything.
When we care about someone, we want to reduce the burden off their shoulders.
And the fact she is not willing to split the cost shows that she thinks of you as nothing more than her doormat.
There really is no reason for you to pay for everything for her.
You are not her sugar daddy (Or so I hope…).
And she is a grown ass woman who is capable of paying for her own stuff.
If you fall into this category, please get back to your senses and stop paying for her.
And make sure to set the frame properly from the moment you meet her for the first time.
This is what I mean by that.
Refrain from taking her to an expensive restaurant and paying for all her meals the first few times you hang out with a woman.
When you do that, you are essentially reinforcing her to expect you to pay for everything.
So, it is just a lot less headache to set the expectation correctly from the moment you guys start hanging out together.
The ultimate beta, loser category goes to men who are friend-zoned and still pay for the girl’s food and drink when they are out with the girls who friend-zoned them.
This is especially common among Asian men due to the cultural reason (Men, especially older men, are expected to pay for women).
What you fail to realize is that these girls will be more than happy to split the bill with men that they are actually attracted to.
She is using you if she is secretive about you
So, why does she want to hide you?
There are exceptions, but generally speaking, the fact that she is so secretive about you means she is not really proud to introduce you to the world as her lover.
She may be using you as a temporary source of validation, but no more.
She thinks of you as nothing more than a short term fun, and she definitely doesn’t want others to find out she is hanging out with a loser like you (But, I still think you are beautiful…).
Does she never introduce you to her friends?
Has she ever talked about you to her parents?
Does she not like being affectionate toward you around others?
Answering some of these questions may give you a clearer picture of where her true intention lies.
She only hangs out with you on certain days
I briefly touched on this in the previous section, but I wanted to revisit this point.
While I may not go as far as saying she is using you, it is highly likely she is not that emotionally invested in you if she only sees you on specific days (Unless her work schedule absolutely doesn’t allow her to be more flexible).
This can be a sign she almost views spending time with you as her “appointment”.
You are basically something that she has to get over and done with.
When a girl feels a strong attraction toward you, it is hard for her to resist that temptation to see you.
On one hand, it is possible she is the type who prioritizes her goals and ambition over men.
But on the other hand, it may just mean she is doing the bare minimum to keep you around because you still have some use in her life.
She is using you if she shows no affection in public
Maybe, she doesn’t want to get caught by her friends or her other boyfriends.
Maybe, she is too embarrassed to be seen with you in public, but she has to suck it up and hang out with because you are still useful to her life.
While it is possible she just doesn’t like displaying affection in public, it is more likely she is just not that into you.
When a woman is in love with you, she wants to proudly showcase to the world that you are her man in most cases.
It is rare for a woman who truly feels a strong attraction toward you to be so reluctant to display any sort of affection in public.
My story of being used by a woman
This was rather painful, and a somewhat hilarious, incident I experienced when I first started going out to talk to women.
This incident of being used by a girl served as a reminder to never ever let a girl walk all over me again.
And it is actually one of the reasons I started bringing girls straight back to my place on the first date, without ever going on a fancy dinner (or even getting a coffee at that).
So, I met this one girl at a bar when I was out at night.
We talked for about half an hour or so, and I ended up getting her number.
So, we set up our first date, and I suggested we go for a walk when she came out to meet me.
But, she said she is really hungry, and she was very persistent with wanting to get something to eat.
I told her I don’t like eating out, but she did not budge and kept insisting we grab something to eat (I should have figured by then, but I was still naïve and inexperienced).
She said she knows a good place nearby, so I let her guide us to the restaurant of her choice.
When we arrived at the restaurant, she decided to order one of the most expensive steaks there because it has been a while since she’s had a steak.
I didn’t order any food because I didn’t feel like eating.
Anyway, once she was done eating, we ended up at the counter to pay.
We were both standing and I had zero intention to pay, so I just stood there.
After a few seconds, she realized I’m not about to pay for her dinner.
Upon this realization, she pretended she is getting an emergency call from someone and quickly rushed outside the restaurant while telling me she will be back.
I just stood there wondering what the heck just happened because I never had a girl who went to that extreme to avoid paying for her own dinner.
I waited for a few minutes and saw no sign of her returning back, so I texted her asking what is up.
She replied saying her father is going crazy and he is coming to get her, and that she has to run right now.
When I read that, I just chuckled at her BS excuse and left the restaurant after paying for the food.
On my way back home, I made a vow to myself that I will never ever go to a restaurant with a girl on the first date, and that I would happily leave the date if the girl still insists on going.
And that is exactly what I did for the following few dozens of dates I had.
I met girls in front of my place and talked to them for around 15~20 minutes, and suggested we hang out at my place.
And I pulled this off so flawlessly to the point I almost never ever had girls refuse to come back home with me on the first date, and ended up “making love” with the majority of them.
I share this story because I wanted to make a couple of key points since most men are dearly confused about what they should do on a first date, and they put an arbitrary restriction on what they are/aren’t allowed to do on the first date.
So, these are the points I want you to ingrain into your brain if you don’t want girls to use you.
1. Do not ever go out to an expensive dinner on your first date.
You asked her out because you find her attractive, but that is about it.
You still don’t know much about her yet.
You have no clue if she is the right fit for you, or if you are going to enjoy spending time with her at all.
What does it communicate to her when you take her out to an expensive dinner?
You are setting the frame of the interaction in a way that screams, “I have to pay for you to like me”.
You are essentially trying to impress a girl that you barely know. Wouldn’t you agree that is a quite low-value behavior?
Pick places where you can have a conversation with a girl.
It can be grabbing a coffee at a nearby coffee shop. It can be going for a walk at a nearby park. Or, it can even be going to the gym together.
2. You should always be the one to decide what to do.
Don’t ever let a girl decide where you guys are meeting and what you guys are doing.
There are exceptions to this, such as when a girl has valid reasons for why she can’t make it to the place you propose (i.e. No transportation).
But, you should always be the one to set up the place to meet and what you guys are doing in 99% of the cases.
If she is incredibly persistent with having her own way, then you should be suspicious.
You guys are hanging out together for the purpose of getting to know each other, and not for the purpose of doing specific activities together.
It should raise your eyebrows if she seems so determined, on your first date, to go to that expensive restaurant, or go skydiving that will cost you hundreds of dollars.
There is a good chance she is trying to use you (and your money) for her own pleasure and entertainment.
To prevent this, communicate to her in a straightforward manner that you prefer to hang out at a place where it is easier to get to know each other for the first date.
If she still insists on going out to dinner (Or other expensive places) after you explained your reason, then she is not worth your time.
Move on from her and find another girl.
There will be girls who will be more than happy to follow your lead without giving you so much crap.
3. Don’t put an arbitrary limitation on what you can or can’t do on the first date.
A lot of men have wrong beliefs when it comes to what you can or cannot do on a first date.
I want you to realize you can take her back to your place without going out to a bar or a dinner first.
I want you to realize most girls have had (and are willing to) have sex on the first date with the right man.
I want you to realize it is okay for a man to not pay on the first date.
You are almost voluntarily letting a girl use you by having this false belief system.
For example, a lot of men believe they must pay on the first date, so they end up taking a girl out to an expensive dinner and pay for her dinner.
But, he gets mad when she is not interested in having sex nor going on a second date with him.
If you are anything like the man I just described, then you really have no right to get mad since you essentially put yourself in a position to be used by her.
Anyway, I hope this article gave you a little more clarity on when (and if) the girl is using you.
If she shows any signs of using you, then drop her and don’t look back.
Please learn to stand up for yourself.