So, why should you even bother learning about how to talk to a woman at a bar?
First, it’s not easy to meet women once you are out of school. You will be greatly limiting your potential to meet new people if you don’t know how to strike up a conversation with a random woman. And the bar is one of the best places to make new “friends”.
Second, many people (including myself) prefer to meet others at a quieter bar over the chaotic club.
Third, it is just plain fun to have an adventurous night out with a random woman you meet at a bar.
With that out of the way, let’s now talk about the specifics of talking to a woman at a bar.
The size of the bar matters
Yes, size matters after all.
It matters whether you are talking to a woman at a big bar or a small bar on how you should approach talking to a woman.
Talking to a woman at a big bar
There is a lot more freedom when you are talking to a woman at a big bar.
Whatever you do or say will often go unnoticed because you do not stand out in a big crowd.
This means you can go from talking to one woman after another without much repercussion.
You can say the most outlandish things and offend a few girls, but you will still have more than enough women to approach.
There are some pick-up coaches who advise men to “mass approach” when they are out at the club or a bar.
Such advice would be ideal in a setting like this where you can keep your anonymity and never run out of women to talk to.
A big, populated bar is basically a great environment to say and do whatever you want.
Talking to a woman at a small bar
It is a little bit of a different story when you talk to a woman at a small bar.
Women will be much more aware of your presence, and every one of your action is going to be noticed by women in the bar.
This can either work for you or against you depending on how you show up.
If you know a lot of people inside the bar, and everyone is very receptive toward you, then women will assume you are a high-status man, and she will become more curious about you.
On the other hand, if you are going around the bar trying to talk to every woman, but getting rejected by every single one of them in there, then you will be seen as a creepy dude.
It is important to be aware of these subtleties in different social settings if you don’t want to make a fool out of yourself.
You also want to pay more attention to signs that women give when you are at a small bar which is what we are going to discuss in the next section.
Signs women want you to talk to her at a bar
So, what are some signs that women send you when they want you to talk to them?
You first want to pay attention to her body language.
Women who are open to meeting another man usually face toward the open area.
If she is facing away from the crowd, it is a sign she probably wants to be left alone.
Generally speaking, women who have closed off body language tend to be just out for validation, and there is a good chance she does not want to be interrupted.
It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take your shot and approach her anyway if you find her appealing, but do realize it is a low probability move.
If a woman is facing toward the crowd at a bar, then that is a pretty good indicator she is open to being approached.
If a girl is out with her friend, and she is facing toward people while barely talking to her friend, then that is a very good indicator she wants to be approached.
Another good sign is a girl who is dancing while periodically looking around to see if someone is checking her out.
The fact that she is flaunting her assets is a good indicator she is craving for male attention.
One dead giveaway is if she constantly looks toward your direction (that is if you don’t mistake her looking at some cutie behind you as looking at you).
There’s hundreds of different stimulus she could be looking at when she is at a bar.
There is no reason for a girl to pay any attention to you unless she finds you intriguing.
Once again, just make sure she is not looking at someone else that is standing beside you.
One good way to assess this is to move to a slightly different area. If her eyes follow where you go, then you know you are the one she is looking at.
How you carry yourself at a bar
So, you know how to conduct yourself depending on the size of a bar, and you know how to read signs that a woman sends you, but how do you actually initiate a conversation with a girl at a bar?
But wait… we first need to talk about how you should carry yourself at a bar before we even talk about initiating a conversation with a woman.
As I often emphasized in many of my previous articles, your body language precedes verbal.
If you emit the energy of a passive beta male through your facial expression and body language, your chance is going to be ruined before you even open your mouth.
Women intuitively pay a lot of attention to how men carry themselves, and they are quick to make a snapshot judgment of who you are based on your behaviors.
One thing you definitely want to avoid is to stand against the wall with a drink in your hand while you are “scanning” the environment.
If you have a facial expression of a lost puppy on top of that, then it is pretty much game over.
You will look like a loser creep, who is looking for his next prey, and women will want to steer clear of your repelling energy.
As a side note, it is possible to not appear creepy even in the above scenario, if you are naturally a cool dude who is completely comfortable with himself. But, that sadly does not apply for 99% of men out there.
Anyway, you want to make sure you appear social and friendly.
If you are out with a friend, make sure you actually talk to your friend when you are not talking to girls.
It is not a pretty sight when you see a group of two to three guys who are just staring at girls in silence.
This also communicates you are not able to have fun on your own.
You are essentially sub-communicating you need some sort of external stimulus for you to have a good time, and this needy energy will repel most girls.
You need to cultivate that ability to have an awesome time without even needing girls when you are out.
Nobody wants to be with someone who does not bring anything to the table.
What do you think is the biggest value you can offer to others on a night out at a bar?
It is that emotion of fun and excitement.
You want to become the source of that fun and let others join in on your party, instead of the other way around.
If you are on the dance floor, learn how to have loads of fun while dancing on your own.
If you are out with your friend, learn how to have the most awesome time with your buddy even if there are no girls around.
And naturally, invite women to join “your” party when the opportunity arises.
This is especially important if you are hanging out at a small bar.
But, if you are hanging out at a big bar, it is unlikely you will be noticed among hundreds of people around you unless there is something really unique about you.
How to initiate a conversation with a woman at a bar
So, let’s now talk about how you should initiate your interaction with a woman at a bar.
But, it would be useful to first go over what NOT to say when you initiate a conversation.
What not to say when approaching a woman at a bar
It is generally a good idea to avoid complimenting a woman unless you can come up with a unique and sincere compliment that she probably has never heard of.
So, why is that?
Women are bombarded with cheesy and repetitive compliments throughout the night when they are out at a bar or the club.
“Hey beautiful, can I buy you a drink?”… “Hey, you have a beautiful outfit”… “Hey, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you”
When you say something similar to the examples above, you will automatically be categorized as another loser who is just trying to get into her pants.
Women have developed an “automatic” response to men who compliment them.
Because they are so used to hearing compliments from random guys at a bar, their default is to thank you and leave.
You are also starting out your interaction by unnecessarily validating a woman in an environment where they are already over-validated by hundreds of guys.
You are essentially creating a further gap in the perceived value between you and her by lowering your status when you compliment her.
You want to meet her on an equal footing, not higher or lower.
Use situations when approaching a woman at a bar
It’s time to talk about the best ways to initiate a conversation with a woman at a bar.
The best way for you to initiate a conversation with any woman is to use a situation, at hand, to strike up a conversation.
The reason why a “situational opener” is superior to other types of openers is that it is the most natural form of starting a conversation with a woman.
Many men believe most women would prefer if a man were to walk up to them with beaming confidence and let them know what’s so mesmerizing about them.
But, that is where the difference comes in between a Hollywood movie and a real life.
While a woman in the movie may shyly blush and fall in love with you, most women you meet in real life will give you an awkward thank you and hurriedly disappear from your sight.
The situational opener, on the other hand, draws her into a conversation without all the unnecessary guards she would otherwise have if you were to be direct with your intention.
It also paints a much more romantic picture in her head if she were to look back at the interaction.
It does not feel like you pinpointed her as a “target” to win over.
It rather feels like you guys just “randomly” crossed the path, and started falling for each other out of chance.
A woman wants to feel like she was “chosen” by a man who has a lot of options but found her attractive and appealing because of something that is unique and special about her.
It is hard for her to paint such a picture when the first thing you tell a girl is how physically attractive she is as a way to start a conversation at a bar.
But, when she feels like you guys just sort of “bumped” into each other, and you ended up liking her as you discovered more about her, then it is easy for her to believe she won you over instead of the other way around.
Let me give you some concrete examples of how you can really use any situations to initiate a conversation at a bar.
When a woman stands behind you in line at the bar -> “It’s you again… I just can’t get rid of you. Can I?”
When a woman is taking a picture -> “Sorry, I figured you guys needed me in the picture to bring up the quality.”
When a woman accidentally touches your body as she is about to pass you -> “You can at least ask first if you wanted to cop a feel…”
A good rule of thumb is to use any and every situation to initiate a conversation with a woman at a bar instead of standing there in silence.
Most men over-think in such situations, and they try to come up with perfect things to say and never end up opening their mouth.
Don’t set the bar so high for yourself.
What is more important than saying a perfect line is that you actually open your mouth and talk.
Even if you didn’t use the most perfect line to initiate a conversation with a woman, everything will be fine as long as you keep talking to engage her.
What you say to start a conversation does not matter nearly as much as how you engage her afterward.
Anyway, with that being said, let’s move onto my second favorite way of initiating a conversation with a woman at a bar.
Use observations when talking to a girl at a bar
As much as I love using situational openers, there is sometimes no situation that I can use to initiate a conversation.
In such a case, I prefer to make an observation about something that stands out about her, and this can really be anything.
You may comment about the facial expression she is making. Is she looking elated? Sad? Bored? Pay attention to her facial expression and comment on that.
You may comment about the way she is dancing. Maybe, she has a unique way of moving her body that makes her stand out.
You can also comment about her outfit if you genuinely find something interesting about it.
Making an observation about a woman and commenting on that is preferred over complimenting her because you are not giving your power away from the get-go.
I want you to note that, by no means, am I saying you should never compliment a woman.
But, it simply is not the best way to initiate a conversation when you talk to a woman who knows nothing about you.
Think about the last time a stranger came up to you and started acting nice, did you think he is a nice person, or did you feel like he is probably trying to get something out of you?
It is most likely the latter. That is exactly how a woman feels when a random guy comes up to her and starts showering her with compliments.
So, when you are not in a situation where you can seamlessly transition into initiating your approach, then approach her by making an observation about something that stands out about her.
If your brain goes blank at the moment, and you absolutely have nothing to say, then you are excused to start a conversation by complimenting her because that is still better than not taking any action.
What to say to a woman at a bar during a conversation
So, you’ve mustered up the courage to approach her, but what do you do now?
Broadly speaking, there are three categories of women you are going to meet at a bar and your approach will differ depending on what category she falls into.
She loves you
It is a foregone conclusion if a woman loves you when you approach her (unless you do something to really mess up your chance…)
When you talk to a woman at a bar and she loves you, then all you need to do is be normal.
Don’t do or say anything weird. Just talk to her as if you would talk to a good friend.
The attraction is already there, so there is no need to try to over-sexualize or do anything that would potentially turn her off.
Just focus on getting to know each other by asking questions about her, and sharing your stories (but, focus more on letting her talk which should be easy since she is already into you).
She is distant
There can be two reasons why a woman may act distant.
Most women put on this fake persona when they are out because they want to look easy and look cool in front of their friends.
So, even if she finds you attractive, she may “pretend” to not be interested because she is more pre-occupied with maintaining her image.
In such a case, you just continue the conversation for a few more minutes if she stands there and talks to you.
She may not seem receptive with how she responds to you verbally, but if she is physically standing there, then that is a much better indicator of her interest level than what comes out of her mouth.
You will develop the ability to continue talking as you go out more, even with women who don’t give you much in return.
Another possibility is she is just not that into you.
If she tells you to get lost, or her body is completely facing away from you, then you shouldn’t bother wasting your time, and go talk to other women.
Don’t view this as some sort of “test” that she is giving you. Have some self-respect and don’t bother talking to women who show no respect.
She is friendly
When you are out at a bar, you will often come across a woman is friendly, but she is actually not interested in you romantically.
This is especially common with women who have a boyfriend.
They enjoy the validation they get from you, so they will continue to engage you in a conversation, but they have no interest in taking anything further.
These women are by far the biggest time wasters.
This is why it is a good idea to show your intention somewhat early on in the interaction if you are not good at filtering these women out.
Otherwise, you will often find yourself being dragged into a 30~40 minute interaction just to hear, “It was nice to meet you” at the end with nothing to show.
So, you want to develop the ability to distinguish between a girl who is interested and a girl who is just friendly.
Here are a couple of signs for you to look out for…
1. She just gives a polite smile every time you try to turn your conversation sexual.
2. She breaks tension every time there is even a slight bit of tension in a conversation.
3. She practically treats you like her gay best friend.
Once again, remember to escalate, or you can even directly ask her if she has a boyfriend.
What to do after talking to a woman at a bar
What you do after you engage a girl entirely depends on what you are hoping to achieve that night.
Are you looking for a one night stand, or do you prefer to first go on a date to get to know the girl?
If you are looking for a quick romance, then you can simply invite her for one more drink at your place.
A lot of so-called “pick up coaches” would advise you to pull off all kinds of gimmicks to bring a girl back home to your place.
Not only is this a morally questionable thing to do, but there is simply no need to lie to a girl when she has enough interest in you.
If you prefer to go on a date, then you simply need to get her number and try to set up a date.
I need to warn you, however, there is a very high chance that a woman you meet at a bar is going to flake on you when you contact her the next day.
This is because what she feels the next morning is completely different than how she felt when she was talking to you at a bar.
She probably enjoyed talking to you and even felt attraction toward you on the night you guys met, but you became a blur in her memory when she sobers up the next morning.
So, it shouldn’t catch you by surprise if a woman does not respond to your text message no matter how amazing you believe the interaction went.
Anyway, I hope you find the love (or a fling…) of your life with this guide on how to talk to a woman at a bar!
I was Introduced to the world of seduction after being a virgin for the first 26 years of life and being dumped by my first girlfriend at the age of 28. The dating world wasn't so kind to a 28-year-old Asian man who barely had any experience with girls. But, I eventually cracked the "code" and began "attracting" two to three new girls a week on average when I was actively going out. I'm not mentioning that to impress you but to impress upon you that you can take your dating life to the next level... IF you are equipped with the right knowledge and a desire to take massive action.
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