How To Approach A Girl

If there is one phase of interaction with girls that I am confident about more than anything else then this is it.

Over the years, I’ve approached countless girls and seen countless guys approach girls, and seen every possible mistake known to man.

In this article, I’ll list some of the most common mistakes I’ve noticed from hundreds of guys I’ve gone out with, and what you can do to eradicate them once and for all.

Mistake #1 – You approach with the mindset of ‘I have to make this work

This is by FAR the most common problem I notice in most guys. They put an immense amount of pressure on themselves to make their approach work.

This leads them having a very unnatural vibe and prevent them from bringing out more playful and easygoing vibe. 

This is not just limited to inexperienced guys. I have a friend who suffers from severe approach anxiety despite having been with hundreds of girls.

What’s the fix..? 

I have a rather simple fix for this.

Approach her with a mindset of trolling her. Approach her as if you are about to prank her.

I’ve discovered this is by FAR the best mindset to have when approaching especially if you are the type to put too much pressure on yourself. It also gives off that complete non-needy and carefree vibe and it’s almost impossible to appear creepy to girls with this mindset.

Mistake #2 – They speak with uncertainty

It is actually quite mind-boggling to see how most guys completely mess this up.

Because you don’t get a chance to show what an awesome person you are if you can’t even get the girl to stop for you.

This is also one of the major reasons why many guys give off a ‘creepy’ vibe.

If the girl has no clue why you stopped her then she will want to avoid you like a plague.

Put yourself into a girl’s shoes. How would you feel if some stranger randomly stops you from what you are doing, and you have no clue what his motives are.

You would probably want to get the hell out of there.

What’s the fix..? 

No, the solution is not going direct with every girl you talk to and telling her she’s cute and beautiful.

Or whatever typical compliments every other creepy dude are blasting in her DMs.

It is simply a matter of saying whatever you say to her like you fucking mean it.

Are you asking if she is from Brazil to initiate conversation? Then say it like you actually are genuinely curious.

Most guys get so much in their head before approaching, and their head becomes filled with what ‘lines’ to use.

Why not just take the time to actually observe the girl you’re about to approach that really captures your attention.

And just verbalize that to her as that will come off as way more sincere. That will often turn out to be your best opening ‘line’ than any of the pre-rehearsed line you come up with.

Mistake #3 – They dabble and walk toward the girl in a half-assed manner

This sort of ties in with the previous point.

If a girl spots you creepily staring at her from the corner of your eye, and dabbling around to muster up your courage..

Then, it’s pretty much over before you even open your mouth.

You may as well not even bother at that point especially if you’re approaching her at places where you can develop reputation (e.g. school, work, small town).

What is the fix..? 

You need to go in with a mentality, “If I’m going to walk up to her and initiate conversation, I’m going to do it like I mean it..”

Walk straight to her with ZERO reluctancy.

Remind yourself this once again before you approach her.

“Either I don’t approach or I approach like I fucking mean it with zero hesitation”

It’s a binary decision. There’s no other option.

Mistake #4 – They simply don’t talk loud enough

This applies to most situations but even more so during night time when you’re out at the club or a bar.

It is one of those things that’s so obvious and basic, yet I see people messing this up over and over again.

So many guys wonder why they get completely ignored by girls when they approach at the bar or a club.

They then conclude it must be either their looks, race, or whatever other external factors they can blame on.

From what I’ve observed in most occasions, girls didn’t even hear them in the first place.

How is the girl supposed to stop for you if she doesn’t even know you were trying to talk to her?

Sounds so ridiculously obvious eh?

It really does. But most guys just keep messing this up repeatedly anyway.

Part of me acknowledges it is just due to an ingrained habit, and another part of me thinks they just don’t realize how much difference it can actually make.

What is the fix..? 

Here is one little trick I remind myself whenever I catch myself not speaking loud enough for the environment I am in.

Speak with your whole body. Feel your whole body vibrate as the sound comes out of your mouth.

Most of you only speak with your throat.

Not only does this make it hard to speak with volume, but it also lessens the impact of your voice.

Remember.. you want to ‘command’ a girl’s attention especially when you are in a chaotic environment.

Otherwise, she will just move toward another stimulus that intrigues her more.

Mistake #5 – They wait until the girl is really close (if she is walking) to approach

This often happens because the guy is still debating whether he should talk to her or not until that last second she walks by.

To answer why this is problematic, we once again have to circle back to having a very basic ability to empathize with another person (which many of us lack in this day and age..).

How would the girl feel if you abruptly stop her while you are just a few inches away from her? How would you feel if someone else stopped you that way?

You would probably think that person is about to rob you or something.

Getting approached by a stranger is already enough pressure for the girls as it is.

Don’t add any more unnecessary pressure on them to the point they want to run away.

What is the fix..?

If possible, try to make eye contact with the girl when she’s at least a few meters away.

Give her a nice, relaxed smile if she looks back at you.

When you are about 3~4 meters away, open your mouth to get her attention by saying, “Hey”, “Excuse me”, or whatever you’re comfortable saying.

Once you have her attention, you can continue with your usual conversation.

If she’s wearing a headphone..

Then, simply wave your hand at her when she’s about 4~5 meters away so she becomes aware of your presence.

When she looks at you, smile and simply say, “Hey” or whatever else so she sees you are trying to talk to her.

More often than not, she will take off her headphone to listen.

From that point on, you can continue as we had discussed earlier.

Importance of eye contact in the first 3 seconds you approach her

We are going back to the basics once again, but there is a reason Kobe made 400 shots everyday as part of his practice despite being one of all time best.

Your fundamentals will have greater than 80% of influence on the results you get.

You simply must make sure your eye contact is solid especially in the first 3 seconds you approach her.

Many guys have a ‘wandering eye’ syndrome when they first approach girls.

They feel awkward and they just can’t hold their eyes in one damn spot.

This, however, will completely destroy any potential attraction she has towards you.

How to fix it..? 

I don’t know if there’s any easy way to fix it other than just being mindful of it every time you approach a girl.

I know how difficult it can be to maintain eye contact especially with the girls you find attractive.

I was like that for the first 26 years of my life having suffered from extreme social anxiety, and always being self-conscious as a result of it.

You just need to hold that eye in one place (which is her eyes) and don’t waver no matter how much you feel like your heart is going to explode.

Over time, you will get more comfortable.

Before you realize, it will become a second nature for you to maintain a good eye contact with any girls you come across.

Different approaches for different settings

Let’s now briefly talk about how your approaches should differ depending on where you approach girls.

Approaching girls at the bar or a club

-There’s a lot of other stimulus during night time. So, it’s important to approach her with a higher intensity and volume. The goal of initial approach is to completely captivate her attention.

Approaching girls at school or work

-Time is your ally. You will see her over and over again. There’s no need to rush things so be normal and get to know her. Ask her what her plan is for the weekend and invite her out. Simply spending more time with her over time can easily do the trick. The last thing you want is to develop a reputation as the guy who hits on everyone with a vagina.

Approaching girls at the gym

-Be friendly with ‘everyone’ in the gym and not just girls. Become that cool, friendly dude everyone enjoys talking to. As you’re talking to one of your gymbros, invite the girl into your conversation by making a comment about her, or asking about her opinions. This will feel and look much more natural than if you were to walk toward a random girl at the gym to strike a conversation with her.

Approaching girls during daytime

-Put more emphasis on ‘relatability’ compared to night time by opening up more about yourself. Approaching someone during daytime is not exactly what most people do. So, it can be easy for her to think of you as some weird dude if there’s anything ‘off’ about you. This is why you want her to quickly feel that you’re just a cool, normal dude who approached her to get to know her better.

Anyway, that’s it for now.

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Till next time..


About the Author Jon Go